Jimmy-McNulty Day

*Found in my notes from last semester, now first, before anything else, go watch The Wire. Or read this I guess. I mean, you are here already. That show lasted for five seasons so it seems like an unusually long commitment to get to read a blog post that only touches briefly on it. So sure, go ahead and read it, then go watch the show, and then come back and read it again. I enjoy our talks.

***

Lester - Tell me something Jimmy, how exactly do you think it all ends?

Jimmy - What do you mean?

Lester - A parade? A gold watch? A shining Jimmy-McNulty-day moment, when you bring in a case so sweet that everyone gets together and says: "Oh shit, he was right all along. We should'a listened to the man". -The job will not save you, Jimmy. It won't make you whole, it won't fill your ass up.

***

There was not a single time that I told someone I went to Georgia Perimeter College without at least a hint of hesitation. My response always came with an explanation. A justification that would explain to this person that just because I'm 'here' and not 'there' doesn't mean I'm not going to become something special. That I am not a loser. My guess is that the other person never cared. It was me that put so much emphasis on being 'there' instead of 'here'. I  was trying to convince myself that I would be ok. That this was a momentary setback until life righted itself with a wind behind my back instead of in my face.

I thought about all this walking away from my last exam that capped off my first full year at the University of Georgia. A very good school by whatever metric you use. Looking back over the semesters I felt very little. That wasn't supposed to happen at 'there'. I was supposed to be looking back over all the lifelong friends I'd met, the amazing things I'd learned, how exciting life was here, and of course the girls. But in reality it had just been ok. There were very good days, and bad ones. Mostly life was the same as it had always been.

Which is what brought that amazing scene from The Wire to mind (and it's cliché to write about The Wire but I don't care). Jimmy McNulty is a good cop. He's not a great father, or husband (he's divorced), or maybe person. But on the cusp of bringing in a case against some very influential drug dealers in Baltimore he finds himself very proud. And why shouldn't he be? He is "good po-lice" and even for his standards today is a good day. And then Lester, an experienced cop who also happens to be "good po-lice", lets Jimmy in on what years of living have taught him - the job will not save you. It won't make you whole. What Lester is trying to explain to Jimmy isn't that he shouldn't care about his job. It's that the belief that it would make him whole is a lie. That being great at the job would somehow take that wreck of a life he lives when not wearing a badge and make it okay. Jimmy wanted so badly for that to be true. But it wasn't.

So I found myself walking away from an empty building, having finished my last exam wondering if I was in need of a re-calibration. Somewhere along the line I forgot what the Lesters of the world have for years been trying to tell us all. Be careful where you place your hope and expectation. We assign artificial value to things, titles, and accomplishments afraid that without them we'd have nothing left. And that's fine for a while. I was placing an awful lot of stock in the name that goes on a diploma. Because it matters. Just like a job does. It's a great demonstration that a person is capable of hard work and responsibility. But it's not so great at providing purpose; it's not so great at filling voids.